Missouri Legislature Passes Bill Letting All Citizens Keep Their Taxes to Pay Mortgages Since “Everyone Boosts the Economy”

JEFFERSON CITY, MO — In a stunning move hailed by renters and homeowners alike, the Missouri General Assembly passed emergency legislation today declaring that, since all Missourians contribute to the state’s economy, all Missourians should be treated like billionaire sports team owners.

The new law, dubbed the “Fairness for Everyone Except Billionaires Act”, allows residents to redirect 100% of their state income and property taxes toward their mortgage payments, rent, or just “whatever they feel adds value to the community.”

“This is about equity,” said one lawmaker while adjusting his team-branded lapel pin. “If giving hundreds of millions in public money to a billionaire for ‘economic development’ is sound fiscal policy, then surely it makes even more sense to give that same courtesy to the taxpayers funding it.”

“We realized billionaires aren’t the only job creators,” said one state senator. “There’s also the nurse in Columbia, the teacher in Springfield, and the forklift driver in Poplar Bluff. They all stimulate the economy every time they swipe a debit card or buy a donut.”

The law will take effect immediately. Starting July 1, Missouri citizens can submit Form 1984-REV, also known as the “I Contribute Too” affidavit, which allows them to divert all taxes to their own housing costs under the justification of “being a person who exists and occasionally shops locally.”

The bill’s sponsor said it was inspired by economic studies provided by stadium lobbyists. “If we can measure the ROI of hosting a weekend tailgate, surely we can track the benefit of Debbie in Hannibal buying a fresh coat of paint for her porch.”

Critics of the bill, including one very angry Chamber of Commerce lobbyist, warned that if citizens stop paying taxes, “we won’t have any money left to give to corporations that promise to give back 4% of it in economic activity over the next 30 years.”

“I’m just asking for the same deal the Chiefs got,” said Carl Thompson, a roofer from Independence. “Let me skip taxes and I’ll host a backyard barbecue that could generate up to $48 in local economic impact.”

At press time, lobbyists for the NFL were spotted scrambling to amend the bill to include a clause declaring that fans must still pay for any billionaire’s whims, “because fans owe it to the game.”

This article is satire 😄