satire
JEFFERSON CITY, MO — In a groundbreaking demonstration of government innovation, Missouri has announced the creation of its third committee this year to study government inefficiency. The move, according to Capitol insiders, brings the total number of efficiency-focused bureaucracies to at least four—including an executive task force, two prior committees,
satire
NEW YORK, NY — As Bitcoin reached a new all-time high of $123,000 this week, a coalition of boomer economists and fiat loyalists gathered in a leather-paneled conference room to insist, once again, that the asset “has no intrinsic value.” When asked if anyone would donate a full Bitcoin to
satire
“I support the First Amendment unless it’s weird and not from Bass Pro.” ST. LOUIS, MO — Local online patriot and walking contradiction @0708America took to social media last week to defend the U.S. Constitution by calling for a statewide ban on… the First Amendment. Halal/kosher slaughter should
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In a bold move of preemptive damage control, federal prison officials announced today they have already begun editing surveillance footage, shredding reports, and dimming cell lights in preparation for the “possible but definitely unforeseeable” suicide of Ghislaine Maxwell. The announcement came just hours after Maxwell reportedly offered to hand over
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“I’m trad now,” says 22-year-old who’s never held a job, tilled a field, raised a child, or read a book with more than one syllable per word. CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO — Local young man Wyatt Flannigan, 22, announced this week that he is “now a trad populist,” despite living
satire
I don’t know what any of this means, but the guy who paid for my steak dinner said it’s good for freedom or something.
satire
“Silencing our never-ending speeches is an assault on our right to dramatic floor performances,” says one Senator while holding a thesaurus and crying. JEFFERSON CITY, MO — Missouri Senate Democrats erupted in wails of righteous indignation this week after Republicans committed the gravest sin of all: invoking the “Previous Question” motion
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One local resident found himself longing for the days when grassroots organizations actually had, well, grass.
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“If we can’t have a perfect law that saves every child, then let’s roll the dice on a constitutional amendment written by Satan’s interns.” JEFFERSON CITY, MO — In a stunning display of moral clarity, Missouri’s most hardcore abortion abolitionists have announced their total opposition to HJR
The Hunts seem unsatisfied, likely holding out for full valet parking for their yachts and taxpayer-covered fuel for their private jets.
“If seniors aren’t funding bureaucratic boondoggles, are they really American?” he asked while adjusting his Yale cufflinks.
“Going once for Big Pharma, going twice for stadium subsidies—SOLD to the PAC in the back!”
JEFFERSON CITY, MO — In a groundbreaking economic discovery, Missouri officials confirmed today that local citizen Jeremy Cady is the primary engine of the state economy—thanks to his weekly purchase of a Big Mac. According to a glossy new 217-page report from the Office of Creative Accounting and Selective Multipliers,
“There is no cost to taxpayers,” assured a senator while high-fiving a lobbyist and pointing to a spreadsheet labeled ‘Magical Revenue Streams.
“We realized billionaires aren’t the only job creators,” said one state senator.
“We realized billionaires aren’t the only job creators,” said one state senator.
Not a single city that has lost a major professional team has gone into an economic death spiral.
Not a single city that has lost a major professional team has gone into an economic death spiral.
When the government uses its power to benefit a select few, it abandons its responsibility to protect a fair, competitive market. It ceases to be a referee and becomes a partner in cronyism.
When the government uses its power to benefit a select few, it abandons its responsibility to protect a fair, competitive market. It ceases to be a referee and becomes a partner in cronyism.
