Missouri Legislature to Launch “Missouri Vote Exchange” for Streamlined Corporate Bribery

JEFFERSON CITY, MO — In a bold move to improve government efficiency, Missouri lawmakers announced that starting next session, all legislative votes will be available through a centralized auction platform—allowing corporations to buy political influence in one convenient location.

Dubbed the Missouri Vote Exchange, the new program promises to streamline the outdated process of “one-on-one backroom lobbying,” replacing it with a fast-paced bidding war held every Monday in the Capitol Rotunda.

“Meeting with 197 legislators to cut separate backroom deals is just inefficient,” said one exhausted corporate lobbyist while applying Icy Hot to his handshake arm. “Now I can buy 12 votes before lunch with the lift of a paddle.”

To officiate the process, Missouri has called in a true expert: former Congressman and world champion auctioneer Billy Long. Long is expected to bring the gavel, the gravelly voice, and the same unwavering rhythm he once used to auctioneer over a protest during a House Committee hearing.

“I’ve sold cattle, antiques, and bankrupt casinos,” said Long. “Now I’m selling clean water regulations. Opening bid is $25,000 and a suite at Arrowhead!”

Under the new system, lawmakers will wear color-coded vests based on how easily they’re bought—red for cash, blue for perks, and yellow for stadium tickets. Lobbyists will be able to place real-time bids in the Missouri Vote Exchange, which allows instant offers, add-ons, and “buy-it-now” options. For added convenience, entire committees can be bundled like a Costco value pack.

One senator praised the reform, saying, “This will increase transparency. Now everyone can see which billionaire bought which policy in real time—just like eBay!”

Critics have raised concerns, but were quickly reminded that critics don’t typically donate to campaign war chests.

Note: This article is satire. 😄