Populist Patriot Still on Mom’s Wi-Fi

“I’m trad now,” says 22-year-old who’s never held a job, tilled a field, raised a child, or read a book with more than one syllable per word.

CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO — Local young man Wyatt Flannigan, 22, announced this week that he is “now a trad populist,” despite living in his mom’s basement, having no job, no kids, no wife, and no working knowledge of economics or history prior to the Second Gulf War.

“I stand for order, morality, and American tradition,” he said proudly, pulling on a vintage wool vest he found on Reddit. “Also, I believe the government should seize corporate profits, ban global trade, and give out large checks to people who post good takes online.”

When asked how he reconciles this with anything resembling classical conservatism or traditional values, Flannigan shrugged. “I’m about real freedom. Like tariffs, price controls, and legally mandated family formation. That’s what the Founding Fathers meant.”

To bring some economic clarity to the moment, our publication reached out to noted French economist Frédéric Bastiat.

Bastiat, looking extremely unimpressed, responded, “It is the nature of man to confuse theft with justice when he can vote for it. Populism, untethered from principle, always trends toward legalized plunder—whether it’s demanded by the poor or the powerful.”

At this point, Wyatt interrupted, saying, “I don’t care what some foreign French guy says. The people are angry. And I think we should listen to them. Especially the ones in my Telegram group.”

Bastiat blinked. Twice. “Sir,” he replied, “you are the very embodiment of legalized parasitism.”

Pressed further on whether he understood the historical dangers of populism—like its tendency to turn into socialism, or authoritarianism—Wyatt said, “Yeah but that was, like, Europe. This is America. We do populism better.”

“And Bastiat was basically a liberal, right?” he added.

When informed that Bastiat advocated for free markets, limited government, and warned that the state becomes “a great fiction through which everyone endeavors to live at the expense of everyone else,” Wyatt simply replied, “What a boomer.”

He then posted a video titled “Bastiat Was Mid: A Trad Response” from his mother’s basement, while wearing a “FAFO” hoodie and sipping a taxpayer-subsidized raw milk.