State Budget Balanced Using Hopes, Dreams, and a 3rd Down Conversion
“There is no cost to taxpayers,” assured a senator while high-fiving a lobbyist and pointing to a spreadsheet labeled ‘Magical Revenue Streams.
JEFFERSON CITY, MO — Missouri legislators proudly announced today that the state budget has been perfectly balanced using nothing but optimistic slogans, vague economic projections, and a clutch 3rd down conversion by Patrick Mahomes.
“There is absolutely no cost to taxpayers,” assured a state senator while high-fiving a lobbyist and pointing to a color-coded spreadsheet labeled ‘Magical Revenue Streams.’ “As long as we don’t count the money not going to schools, roads, or law enforcement, this is a win-win.”
According to lawmakers, the latest economic incentive package will allow billionaire sports franchise owners to “retain their own tax dollars” by not paying them. “It’s not a subsidy if we just let them keep all the money that would’ve gone to, say, bridge repair or 911 services,” explained one representative while balancing the budget atop a goalpost.
To make the numbers work, the state’s economic modeling team factored in:
- 25 years of projected economic growth assuming every child born in Missouri attends at least 6 games a year
- Increased tourism from people who are “emotionally invested in our tax base”
- And a hypothetical Super Bowl run in 2034
“Really, it all works out if you believe hard enough,” said the Governor’s Office in a press release. “And if not, we’ll just reroute funding from something wasteful, like ambulances.”
Asked why the state didn’t just cut taxes for all Missourians instead, one legislator admitted, “Some of us thought about that. But then we asked, what’s the likelihood an average taxpayer would donate to my next campaign?”
Critics have asked how police departments and rural schools will respond to reduced budgets. One senator countered, “Look, the real question is—did you see that no-look pass? That’s job creation, baby.”
As of press time, state officials were reviewing a proposal to fund healthcare expansion using a parlay bet and the projected value of Travis Kelce’s next podcast ad.
This article is satire. 😄