Washington, D.C. — In a shocking twist no one saw coming (except everyone with a memory longer than 30 seconds), Democrats have suddenly remembered that Jeffrey Epstein existed. After four years of holding every branch of government, from the White House to the Department of Justice to the White House’
JEFFERSON CITY, MO — Outrage erupted among Missouri Democrats recently after Governor Mike Kehoe dared to sign a school choice bill at a private school that—brace yourselves—reflects the values of the families who send their children there. The scholarship bill, which provides state funds to help families afford alternatives
INTERNET — In a bold theological twist, a new movement of self-appointed Christian nationalists has announced their plan to save Christianity… by tossing out the actual teachings of Christ and replacing them with whatever angry thought they had last night after rage-scrolling Twitter. “Freedom is gay,” one leading voice of the
“We taxed the Chinese by charging ourselves more. Checkmate.” UNITED STATES — In a triumphant X (formerly Twitter) thread that somehow managed to be both smug and economically illiterate, one proud American declared that tariffs are “paid by other nations,” and therefore cost U.S. taxpayers absolutely nothing. “Tariffs are taxes
Jefferson City, MO — Missouri Senate Democrats dropped a bombshell this week, revealing that GOP politicians have been taking campaign money from people who already agree with them on school choice. “This is how voucher lobbyists stole $50 million from taxpayers,” the @MoSenDems tweeted, alongside a graphic slapping dollar signs on
“I have no evidence. But I do have a blurry screenshot, vague suspicion, and a deep, seething trust in my own ignorance.” MISSOURI — A concerned citizen and self-identified “grassroots election watchdog” took to social media this week to blow the lid off Missouri’s entire voting system by referencing a
Internet Constitutional Scholar Unleashes Ancient Blaine Magic to Smite Christian Schools and Parental Rights MISSOURI — In a stunning legal revelation sure to shake the very foundations of free will, local online activist “ACE” has uncovered a long-lost magical scroll in the Missouri Constitution known as the “Blaine Amendment” and is
Rent isn’t “a human right”? Avocado toast doesn’t count as a meal plan? And jobs expect you to… show up?
Some men climb corporate ladders. Others crawl out of marital vows with a song in their hearts and an HR director on their arm. Andy Byron, CEO of Astronomer, just gave the world a masterclass in how not to handle personal failure—by blaming the band. In a statement as
JEFFERSON CITY, MO — In a groundbreaking demonstration of government innovation, Missouri has announced the creation of its third committee this year to study government inefficiency. The move, according to Capitol insiders, brings the total number of efficiency-focused bureaucracies to at least four—including an executive task force, two prior committees,
NEW YORK, NY — As Bitcoin reached a new all-time high of $123,000 this week, a coalition of boomer economists and fiat loyalists gathered in a leather-paneled conference room to insist, once again, that the asset “has no intrinsic value.” When asked if anyone would donate a full Bitcoin to
“I support the First Amendment unless it’s weird and not from Bass Pro.” ST. LOUIS, MO — Local online patriot and walking contradiction @0708America took to social media last week to defend the U.S. Constitution by calling for a statewide ban on… the First Amendment. Halal/kosher slaughter should
satire
In a bold move of preemptive damage control, federal prison officials announced today they have already begun editing surveillance footage, shredding reports, and dimming cell lights in preparation for the “possible but definitely unforeseeable” suicide of Ghislaine Maxwell. The announcement came just hours after Maxwell reportedly offered to hand over
satire
“I’m trad now,” says 22-year-old who’s never held a job, tilled a field, raised a child, or read a book with more than one syllable per word. CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO — Local young man Wyatt Flannigan, 22, announced this week that he is “now a trad populist,” despite living
satire
I don’t know what any of this means, but the guy who paid for my steak dinner said it’s good for freedom or something.
satire
“Silencing our never-ending speeches is an assault on our right to dramatic floor performances,” says one Senator while holding a thesaurus and crying. JEFFERSON CITY, MO — Missouri Senate Democrats erupted in wails of righteous indignation this week after Republicans committed the gravest sin of all: invoking the “Previous Question” motion
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One local resident found himself longing for the days when grassroots organizations actually had, well, grass.
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“If we can’t have a perfect law that saves every child, then let’s roll the dice on a constitutional amendment written by Satan’s interns.” JEFFERSON CITY, MO — In a stunning display of moral clarity, Missouri’s most hardcore abortion abolitionists have announced their total opposition to HJR
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The Hunts seem unsatisfied, likely holding out for full valet parking for their yachts and taxpayer-covered fuel for their private jets.
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“If seniors aren’t funding bureaucratic boondoggles, are they really American?” he asked while adjusting his Yale cufflinks.
cronyism
“Going once for Big Pharma, going twice for stadium subsidies—SOLD to the PAC in the back!”
satire
JEFFERSON CITY, MO — In a groundbreaking economic discovery, Missouri officials confirmed today that local citizen Jeremy Cady is the primary engine of the state economy—thanks to his weekly purchase of a Big Mac. According to a glossy new 217-page report from the Office of Creative Accounting and Selective Multipliers,
cronyism
“There is no cost to taxpayers,” assured a senator while high-fiving a lobbyist and pointing to a spreadsheet labeled ‘Magical Revenue Streams.
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“We realized billionaires aren’t the only job creators,” said one state senator.