Boomer Economists Say Bitcoin Is Worthless

NEW YORK, NY — As Bitcoin reached a new all-time high of $123,000 this week, a coalition of boomer economists and fiat loyalists gathered in a leather-paneled conference room to insist, once again, that the asset “has no intrinsic value.” When asked if anyone would donate a full Bitcoin to demonstrate this lack of value, the room quickly cleared.

“This is clearly tulip mania 2.0,” said Dr. Milton Fudsworth, a retired Keynesian who recently lost half his 401(k) to an inflation-adjusted mutual fund called “Stability Select.”

“Just because it’s scarce, portable, divisible, censorship-resistant, and mathematically secure doesn’t mean it’s money,” he added, while emailing his grandson for help resetting his Fidelity password.

Reporters at the scene tried to find a single person willing to part with one Bitcoin “for science.” Unfortunately, everyone contacted said something along the lines of, “Absolutely not. Are you insane?”

“I asked my Uber driver if I could have one just to show my professor how worthless it is,” said local econ student Trevor Swanson. “He told me to get out of the car.”

The economics department at a nearby university held an emergency lecture titled Bitcoin: The Pet Rock of the Digital Age, but were unable to pay the guest speaker after the school’s bank froze their account for a suspicious transaction involving a $7 ham sandwich.

Meanwhile, actual Bitcoiners celebrated the milestone by doing exactly what they always do—nothing different. “We just keep stacking, watching the Fed panic, and waiting for the IMF to drop their next cartoon villain press release,” said one Bitcoiner sipping coffee from a “Run the Node, Not the Money Printer” mug.

As of press time, Dr. Fudsworth was still tweeting from his phone that Bitcoin is a “Ponzi scheme,” while begging his nephew to lend him $20 until his fixed income hits the bank.