Bureau of Prisons Begins Early Prep for “Unexpected” Maxwell Suicide

In a bold move of preemptive damage control, federal prison officials announced today they have already begun editing surveillance footage, shredding reports, and dimming cell lights in preparation for the “possible but definitely unforeseeable” suicide of Ghislaine Maxwell.

The announcement came just hours after Maxwell reportedly offered to hand over her personal copy of the Epstein client list in exchange for a reduced sentence—an offer that immediately sent bureaucrats, legacy media, and half of Washington into a quiet but panicked tailspin.

“Let us be clear: we are deeply committed to transparency,” said a government spokesperson while quietly switching out CCTV hard drives and updating Adobe Premiere timelines. “That’s why we’re getting ahead of the story and preparing for the official narrative now—before any unfortunate mishaps occur.”

Among the preparations:

• All cell security cameras have been “temporarily disabled for maintenance”
• Photoshop teams have already begun splicing Maxwell into the prison yard for the time of death
• A fleet of industrial shredders has been installed at the prison entrance, marked “For Internal Reports Only”
• And medical staff have pre-dated autopsy forms just in case someone “accidentally” fills them out before the event.

“Sure, she’s not dead yet,” said Warden Sue Leforgette. “But we like to be efficient. Call it a commitment to public service.”

When asked if Maxwell’s client list could ever see the light of day, DOJ officials replied, “Absolutely. Right after we release the real inflation numbers.”

Pam Bondi, who had previously told media there was “no Epstein list” and that the case was “closed,” was unavailable for comment—reportedly busy deleting old emails and clearing her browser history.

Meanwhile, one anonymous congressman was overheard saying, “If she starts naming names, I may have to retroactively identify as Canadian.”