Christian Nationalist Reveals Plan to Save Christianity by Abandoning Christianity

INTERNET — In a bold theological twist, a new movement of self-appointed Christian nationalists has announced their plan to save Christianity… by tossing out the actual teachings of Christ and replacing them with whatever angry thought they had last night after rage-scrolling Twitter.

“Freedom is gay,” one leading voice of the movement declared, bravely contradicting both the Apostle Paul and Jesus Himself, who apparently made a huge mistake endorsing liberty and individual repentance instead of, say, setting up a first-century fascist dictatorship in Galilee.

According to this new and definitely-not-heretical gospel, Jesus’ true mission wasn’t to offer salvation to all mankind. No, no—He came to appoint a ruling class of white, male, nationalist forum mods to oversee the spiritual purification of America, one government-enforced baptism at a time.

“Christianity flourished best under tyranny,” one keyboard crusader explained, while inexplicably using free speech on an open internet platform to advocate for the total destruction of free speech and open platforms.

The movement’s core beliefs are simple:

• Christ is King (but also, we need the government to enforce it, or else He might lose).
• Freedom is evil (unless it’s their freedom to tweet bigotry from mom’s basement).
• Only white Christians should govern (Jesus was probably Norwegian).
• The Bible is infallible (except Galatians, Romans, Acts, the Gospels, and literally anything about grace, freedom, or love).

Despite claiming to represent “biblical Christianity,” scholars have been unable to locate the passage where Jesus said, “Go ye therefore into all nations and subdue them by force. Deport the nonbelievers, and establish compulsory catechisms for children aged three and up.”

One prominent nationalist lamented, “If only we could go back to when the Church ruled the state with an iron fist. Those were the glory days: plagues, illiteracy, burning people alive for misquoting a Psalm. Real morality.”

When asked whether forcing people to convert under threat of imprisonment might contradict the whole “believe and grace” theme of the New Testament, he responded by calling the interviewer a slur and accusing him of being a CIA-funded globalist vegan.

In a final note of irony, these brave defenders of Christianity are often indistinguishable from the very secular tyrants they claim to oppose—both believe you should be ruled, silenced, and punished for wrong-think. They just want different guys running the prison.

The rest of us? We’ll keep our freedom and our faith. Because if Christianity can’t thrive in liberty, then it was never true to begin with.

And if Jesus needs your government ID to count you as a follower, you might be worshiping Caesar instead.