Gen Z Shocked to Learn Life Costs Money Without Parents Picking Up Tab

COLUMBIA, MO — Across the nation, a wave of collective dismay has rippled through Generation Z as young adults begin to discover an age-old secret: life is expensive when your parents stop funding it.

“I just thought rent was like… included,” said 23-year-old Taylor Finch, clutching her $9 matcha latte while scrolling Zillow for affordable one-bedroom apartments that allow emotional support iguanas. “My mom always paid for everything, and now I have to pay for Wi-Fi? That should be a human right.”

Finch, who graduated with a degree in Post-Colonial Gendered Mime Theory, says she assumed her $110,000 student loan investment would translate into a high-paying job with purpose. “But the only place hiring was Target, and they expect me to work more than 15 hours a week. Late. At night. Do you know how bad fluorescent lighting is for my aura?”

According to recent studies, Gen Z is experiencing a phenomenon experts are calling “Sudden-Onset Adulthood”—a condition triggered by exposure to real bills, rejection letters, and the taste of store-brand cereal.

“I asked my boss if we could do rent forgiveness like student loan forgiveness,” said 24-year-old Jared Mallory, who was recently let go from his position as a part-time Diversity Coordinator for a CBD-infused candle startup. “He just laughed. It was really ableist.”

Meanwhile, older adults with experience have offered several suggestions to help young adults transition into self-sufficiency. Among them:

• Learn to cook something that isn’t avocado toast
• Stop leasing cars that cost more than your monthly income
• Try a job that involves actual physical or mental labor

Critics, however, argue that Gen Z is simply misunderstood. “They’re deeply committed to justice,” said local activist Pepper Moonstone, 22, who livestreams her complaints about capitalism on an iPhone made by literal capitalists. “They just need a little more time. And subsidies. And emotional support animals.”

Back at her parents’ home, Finch is planning to start a Substack to raise awareness about the injustice of personal responsibility. “Boomers had it easy,” she explained. “Like, houses used to cost the same as an iPad. Now I’m expected to get a job and pay bills? That’s systemic oppression.”

Sources confirm her next-door neighbor, a 17-year-old high school dropout named Kenny, is currently running his own lawn care business, making twice her weekly income and somehow surviving just fine.