Missouri Abolitionists Furious State Is Only 99.8% Pro-Life Instead of 100%
“If we can’t have a perfect law that saves every child, then let’s roll the dice on a constitutional amendment written by Satan’s interns.”
JEFFERSON CITY, MO — In a stunning display of moral clarity, Missouri’s most hardcore abortion abolitionists have announced their total opposition to HJR 73, the legislature’s latest effort to save unborn lives and beat back Amendment 3—a demonic ballot initiative legalizing abortion on demand, no questions asked, up to the moment your kid fills out their college applications.
Why are they opposed to HJR 73, you ask?
Because it doesn’t ban every abortion.
Because it allows narrowly defined exceptions for rape and incest.
Because, despite restoring nearly all of Missouri’s original pre-Roe abortion laws and blocking Planned Parenthood’s constitutional free-for-all, it isn’t “pure” enough.
“We’ve done the math,” said one abolitionist through gritted teeth. “Either we get a 100% total ban, or we let the Left legalize abortion up to graduation day. Anything less is cowardice.”
HJR 73 places abortion back on the ballot—this time letting voters reject Amendment 3 and instead reassert Missouri’s long-standing protections, the same ones that shut down every abortion facility in the state before Roe even fell.
But abolitionists, standing firm on the hill they plan to die on, say they prefer letting the Left win entirely.
“If we allow even a single exception,” said one online activist while sipping kombucha and typing in all caps, “then we’re worse than Herod. Give me righteous defeat or give me death!”
Pro-life legislators appeared confused.
“We’re fighting to stop Amendment 3 from bringing back late-term abortions. We’re restoring the old law that shut abortion down across Missouri. We’re blocking another Ohio-style disaster. What are we missing?” one asked.
“You’re missing the joy of losing while feeling morally superior,” a protester replied, holding a sign that read, “Better Dead Than Slightly Imperfect.”
Meanwhile, Planned Parenthood issued a statement thanking the abolitionist crowd for their help and invited them to the victory party, scheduled for November, assuming they don’t get cold feet and sabotage that too.
As of now, the abolitionists remain steadfast in their plan to lose as beautifully as possible.
One protester summed it up best:
“If we can’t save them all, we’ll help the Left kill them all. That’s what Jesus would do, probably.”