Missouri Legislator Impresses Colleagues by Reading Text Messages from Lobbyists Out Loud

“I don’t know what any of this means, but the guy who paid for my steak dinner said it’s good for freedom or something.”

JEFFERSON CITY, MO — Freshman Representative Chase Langston (R–Somewhere-Rural-But-Close-to-St. Louis) is being praised by colleagues for his “deep grasp of complex policy issues,” after flawlessly reading aloud several text messages sent to him by lobbyists during a committee hearing.

“I studied Recreational Event Coordination with a minor in Online Influencing,” said Langston, adjusting his blazer that still had the tags on. “So when a witness started talking about fiscal note projections, I did what any smart legislator would do—checked my phone.”

Eyewitnesses report that Langston then proceeded to ask several firm questions to the witness, each beginning with the phrase “So what you’re saying is…” and ending with wording that exactly matched the phrasing used in a text from a private industry lobbyist.

“It was incredible,” said Rep. Doug Merriweather, who nodded solemnly while receiving a Venmo alert from a PAC. “We all thought he was dumb as dirt, but then he started quoting acronyms. That takes real smarts.”

Langston later told reporters that the real secret to success in the Capitol is “knowing which messages to read out loud, and which ones to just forward to leadership.”

When asked about the substance of the bill he was presenting, Langston looked confused.

“I don’t actually know what the bill does,” Langston admitted. “But the people who wrote it said it’s pro-business, pro-jobs, pro-America, and anti-something. Maybe libraries. Or wetlands. Give me thirty seconds and I can text someone who knows what I think.”

According to staffers, Langston’s legislative research mostly consists of refreshing his inbox and nodding during lobbyist briefings while pretending to take notes on his phone, which is actually open to ESPN.

Still, his strategy is working.

“People think I’m smart,” Langston said proudly. “But I’m really just an audio device for corporate interests with autocorrect turned on. And the best part? None of my colleagues know either. They’re all reading from their phones too.”

The Missouri House IT Department later confirmed that when multiple legislators begin speaking at once, their messages often originate from the same area code.