Missouri Woman Discovers 1800s Bigotry Clause

Internet Constitutional Scholar Unleashes Ancient Blaine Magic to Smite Christian Schools and Parental Rights

MISSOURI — In a stunning legal revelation sure to shake the very foundations of free will, local online activist “ACE” has uncovered a long-lost magical scroll in the Missouri Constitution known as the “Blaine Amendment” and is now using it to demand that every child in the state be educated in a manner that personally pleases her.

“Taxpayer money is going to private Christian schools?!” she shrieked from deep within her comment thread lair. “Next thing you know, they’ll be teaching kids the Ten Commandments and table manners!”

ACE’s discovery of the Blaine Amendment—an obscure 19th-century relic originally penned by a man who thought Catholics were a bigger threat than smallpox—has catapulted her to instant internet fame. She now patrols X like a one-woman ACLU, determined to ensure that your child only receives education from the government-run facility she never visited but swears is perfect.

She took particular issue with Missouri’s new school choice funding, which allows parents—get this—to choose a school that reflects their values.

According to ACE, this is unconstitutional, un-American, and possibly unholy.

“If I had to pay for Catholic school AND public school back in the day, then so should you,” she fumed, before angrily writing “equality” in all caps. Legal experts call this the “If I suffered, so must you” doctrine.

When asked if she was aware that religious organizations already receive taxpayer funding through Medicaid, Medicare, SNAP, EBT, food banks, pregnancy care centers, homeless shelters, and half the hospitals in the state, she replied, “That’s different because… shut up.”

Meanwhile, Supreme Court justices—who apparently still outrank X users—have already ruled in Espinoza v. Montana Department of Revenue that states cannot block school funds just because the word “Jesus” appears somewhere in the curriculum.

But ACE is undeterred. She’s continuing her war against theocratic tyranny, one tweet at a time, armed only with a copy of Article IX, Section 8, a vague memory of 6th-grade civics, and an intense hatred for other people making decisions for their own families.

Asked how she’d like education funding handled moving forward, ACE responded, “Easy. Just give it all to schools I like. I am the state now.”

Parents across Missouri were last seen laughing, filling out their MOScholars paperwork, and driving their kids to schools that didn’t require bulletproof backpacks and gender theory flashcards.

Because, despite ACE’s best efforts, freedom of choice is still a thing.